nin_nin15: (Default)
To be honest, I felt like I half-assed these 4 years of my college life. I wasn’t really motivated in doing good, like getting into the dean’s list or something. I was fine with just passing and getting the hell out of there. I know, those 4 years seemed like a waste. For me, I wasn’t really mentally and emotionally invested in my course. Some subjects were interesting, but most of it was just meh for me. How I survived 4 years of forcing myself trying to memorize all those drugs and their mechanisms of actions baffles me up to this point.

But those 4 years have come to an end, and you know what, the subject I missed the most was not even a subject related to my course. I missed political science the most. Funny, isn’t it? I felt like crying when I handed my exam to my professor. I learned a lot in that subject, I had fun studying that subject, my answers didn’t feel forced and I was able to retain most of it. I was happy learning that subject, even just for 6 months (I think, I’m not sure).

But those 4 years leads up to a 2-day examination. The board exams, but before that we have to go to a review and have mock boards to decide our fate. And honestly, I have no motivation on doing both. I have no motivation to study for the boards, and I have no intention of pursuing a career related to my course. HONESTLY, I HATE IT. I hate how I have to go through this. I hate how I feel like I’m not doing this for myself, but instead I’m doing this for the school because we have to maintain this top one spot. At this point, I don’t care about that. I just want to finish it just to get it over with. This will be the only consolation I have if I finish this with passing grades.

I feel pressured to be honest. And I don’t want to take the exams because of that but people around me have been just pushing me to do it. I feel uncomfortable thinking that I have to take these exams. I feel disgusted with myself every time I think about exams. I know this sounds like I’m running away from responsibility, but that’s the truth. I’m not ready, but people don’t understand that. I know there are no easy courses in college, but maybe if I actually enjoyed my course even for a bit, I wouldn’t be this disgusted with myself.

At present

May. 14th, 2017 11:01 am
nin_nin15: (Default)
I just finished watching the latest Kanjani con, and I'm about to write my feelings about everything, not just Kanjani but concerning everything related to my current fandom life, because I need to sort this shit out

READ AT YOUR OWN RISK


Let me talk to you about Eightertainment. Just like the title suggests, it was full-on entertainment. It showed what kind of group Kanjani was. The first disc showcased all their latest singles and some con staples (I'm not sure about the staples one tho). It was the representation of them as an idol group, with all the dancing, sparkly outfits and catchy songs (except for the opening I guess? They used Noroshi there, I won't consider it sparkly LOL). Highlight of the first disc: The Light. Yamada unit delivered on that tbh. I just kind of wanted more dancing on that song tho
Here comes disc 2, where I become a mess. They pulled out their other side, the band side of Kanjani. The acoustic session was asdfghjkl. I cannot describe it with words. I'm not familiar with the songs they used, but in the end it was pleasing to listen to. (I need to listen to more of their songs tbh). They also performed more of their unit songs and tbh it's so damn good!! Hadaka (despite all the nakedness) was a good song, Steal your Love with all the Ryokura dancing was on point. Ohkura's dancing was exceptionally good! :) (But I'm biased so LMAO). Damn Black of Night was real, Maru was bringing it! and he served it hot man. (Idk what I'm saying). King of Otoko is my guilty pleasure LOL. AND MY FEELINGS TURNED ASDFGHJKL DURING THE BAND SESSION. I WAS IN TEARS, AND BY TEARS I MEAN LEGIT TEARS. They started with Tokyoholic, a song I'm not familiar with. They had a mini instrument adlib thing (pls I'm not a music person, idk) and damn EARGASM! Maru's bass was on point and Ohkura just had to join in, and shoutout to Yasu jumping up and down during Maru's part and Yokohina being proud parents af and Subaru joining in with a scream/yell. BUT THEN ZOU, ZOU WAS LIT I HAD GOOSEBUMPS. I don't have words to describe it okay? But the drumming was so fast, I can see Ohkura being tired and shit. And I think Yasu was on the brink of crying? And the bass was present and alive? I was a mess okay? I don't understand myself when I was watching it. And then Noroshi. TBH I like this Noroshi more than the intro Noroshi bc they performed it as a band, with instruments rather than walking LMAO.
And that was it, they had the usual encore and stuff. You know, and their credits were great.


That's it for the DVD~


My recent Kanjani boom got me thinking if I still like Arashi. Their latest single for JAL that sounds like Bittersweet didn't get me excited and the fact that I was hesistating on buying their DVD questioned my love for them. I still watch Kizoku Tantei and enjoy the latest single (especially Unknown, like damn those vocals and the stripped down sound), but I just don't have that much motivation on following their shows anymore. And I can't contribute that to RL because tbh, I don't have problems jugglng RL and Fandom life that much. For me, Arashi has lost their appeal visually I guess? Sometimes, I feel like I'm just forcing myself to watch them or comment on whatever they have going on. I can't get excited anymore about their projects and I feel guilty about it. People have been asking me if I will say goodbye to Arashi, and honestly, I've been thinking about that. But still Arashi is a safe place for me, where I have made friends.
Sometimes I think to myself, I wish Arashi wasn't put so high up in a pedestal. I don't know anything about them, all I hear are good things about them, like them being humble and all that but still, if you have that level of popularity, you're bound to get lax about yourself at some point (or maybe that's just me). I know they went through some shit and they know how it feels to be at the bottom, but recently, it feels like they don't put too much effort bc they are Arashi. Anything they do sells. It feels like they've been overexposed, they're everywhere and maybe they started feeling suffocated with their own presence. I feel like they want to lay-low, go down from no.1, find someone to compete with. They're losing the spirit. I feel bad for saying this but that's just how I feel.

(I'm probably gonna get bricked for this part)




I love them bc they have that gap that can swallow me whole and my whole house. LMAO. They act all goofy and shit, but when they hold their instruments, they are a brand new group. And they speak to my jrock self, a part of me I can't throw away. Their songs have something that cheers me up, whatever song it is. Take Love & King as an example. It's an irritating song tbh, but I smile at it when it randomly comes up on my shuffle. I also like the fact that they have their own songs. I like how they found a balance with their idol self and doing the things they love. I love the balance they created within themselves, like how they almost have two personas.


That's all~
It's a mess, but that's me~ 
nin_nin15: (Default)


I want to run away, but I feel lost.
I'm scared that no one will come a chase after me, nobody would care.
I'm scared of being forgotten
nin_nin15: (Default)
Sometimes I wish I could forget.
Forget that we were so close, like two peas in a pod;
Forget all the fun times we had together;
Forget all the shit we went through;
Forget that time that I opened up to you;
Forget that I mattered to you once.

I want to forget so that walking away from you wouldn't be so painful
nin_nin15: (Default)
Since thinga have been crazy lately in lj, i have decided to back up all of my things in dreamwidth. I go by the same username.

That's all. :)
nin_nin15: (Default)


This is going to be incoherent AF, like I'm too stressed to even care about grammar and all that shit like that. LIKE PLEASE.

I don't know where to start at this point. Everything is happening all at once, and I don't think I can handle it anymore. Someone send help. I want to take a break, like don't think about anything, don't work about anything, just lie down and listen to music, I guess. I've reached my breaking point. I'm so close to crying about all the things, I don't know what to do anymore. I need a break, I need to get away from everything, have no responsibilty.

I don't think I can handle anything anymore. I've lost count of all the things I need to do, I don't know where to start, and I don't know when it will end or will this even end. Will I be stuck accepting all the shit people ask me to do even when I know I can't handle shit anymore? When will I be able to say NO I CAN'T ANYMORE.

I'm too tired. So sick with this shit

nin_nin15: (Default)
The raindrops fall as fast as my tears,
Hiding them from you
Hiding them from the world.

The cold wind embraces me.
I could only feel loneliness,
But it's the only thing I could feel right now.

These feelings for you are like a storm.
Cold and harsh, but unavoidable.
I want to be stuck in the middle of it, if it's the only way to you.

WHY?

Mar. 25th, 2016 05:59 pm
nin_nin15: (Default)
I've been wondering about this for a long time now, "Why am I always the first one to apologize?". Sure, I would apologize first if I was the one in the wrong, but in some cases, I'm still the first one to apologize even if I was the one offended. Seriously, why? And every time there is a misunderstanding, it has to be to explain ny side, to defend myself while everyone else is just siding with the other party? Why is it that everytime that something happens, I'm the only one that feels guilty? Why am I always the one that is always at fault, even if they were the one who offended me or something like that?

WHY.
nin_nin15: (Default)
Looking around my room and I realize, It's colored green and purple. My room's JunBa. I can't even. And somewhere in my room, there's a big red letter N. 

Chances

Jan. 25th, 2016 10:14 pm
nin_nin15: (Default)
It;s very sad. I was actually given a chance to fulfill one of my long time dreams, but it seems like real life wants to get in the way (like it always does). I have this two 200 hour internship around june-july, but for sure I wouldn;t be able to finish it until second week of August and around that time my cousin from Japan would be on a break, so they asked me whether I want to go there. OF COURSE I SAID YES! but then my stupid internship gets in the way and I have to give up on going to japan. JUST FOR NOW. Probably next year, when I graduate I'll go there. I SWEAR.
nin_nin15: (Default)


So school's starting and I'm totally not prepared for it. Just look at our schedule!!! We go to school SIX DAYS A WEEK and per day we only have 2 hours of break per day excluding fridays and saturday (but look at how far apart the next classes are from my first class [LOOKING AT YOU SATURDAY]). I think I've had worse schedules, but this is just unforgiving. Who have ever heard of 30-minute breaks. That's just stupid. 

Buying.

Jan. 11th, 2016 01:06 am
nin_nin15: (Default)
First of all it's a meet up and I have been thoroughly researching about the seller. LIKE SERIOUSLY. I guess I'm just kind of scared. Well, anyone would be considering this is my first meet up and I haven't told anyone about it as they would oppose to these kinds of things.

All I hope for is that the transaction would go as smoothly as I hope it would be and I would be happy by the end of the day. I hope nothing bad happens to me or to the seller and I hope I'm doing the right thing. PLEASE.

I'm just scared of all the things that might or might not happen.

Wish me luck this saturday.

My Girl

Jan. 5th, 2016 11:02 pm
nin_nin15: (Default)
I've been watching My Girl (not to be mistaken with the korean drama) for a while now, and all I've been doing is crying and a lot of ugly sobbing. I've been crying until my tears literally hurt. They burn my eyes when the tears stay way to long in the corners of my eyes.

What exactly is it? It's about a single father who is raising a 5-year old-girl. The girl is hs daughter he never knew existed, And then afterwards drama ensues.

It's a very heartwarming series. It's awkward in its own way, but I guess that is it's charm. This series makes the watcher feel all types of feelings. It makes me feel happy and sad at the same time. It's a very enjoyable show. Though some scenes are too awkward for me to handle, or sometimes to cheesy for it to become reality. It's very enjoyable and easy to digest.

I also like how relatable everything is. It's the family drama everyone goes through, not in the same exact way but very similar to it.

Overall, I like it. Nothing more, nothing less.

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